


Drunk History: The Monroe Republic

by SciFiDVM



Category: Drunk History, Revolution (TV)
Genre: Crack, Drunk!Miloe, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-01
Updated: 2014-01-01
Packaged: 2018-01-07 00:23:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1113280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SciFiDVM/pseuds/SciFiDVM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Miles and Bass tell the tale of the Monroe Republic while inebriated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drunk History: The Monroe Republic

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't ever seen Drunk History, it's a show on Comedy Central where one or more lesser known comedians are set up in a fancy room all Masterpiece Theater style. Then they drink until they are totally sloshed and attempt to tell the story of some historical figure or important event (Billy the Kid, the Lewis and Clark expedition, etc). 
> 
> There was a call for some fluffy fic about Drunk!Miloe over on the nbc_revolution LJ and this crack just couldn't be stopped.

(Cameras begin to roll on Miles and Bass, both sitting in ornate chairs in Independence Hall, tumblers of scotch in hand.)

 

 **Miles:** This is Drunk History. And I’m Miles Matheson.

 **Bass:** And I’m Thebathtian Munroe.

 **Miles:** And we’re here to tell the story of the Monroe…

 **Bass:** (burps then hiccups)

 **Miles:** …Republic. Jesus Bass. You think you’re drunk enough yet? (pokes Bass’s shoulder with his pointer finger)

 **Bass:** (falls sideways out of the chair and lands on his face. He keeps talking with his face to the ground and his ass sticking up in the air) I could probably still use another.

 **Miles:** (looks at the producer behind the camera and waves his hand back and forth in front of his neck to signal “cut”)

 

A director’s clapboard signal’s a second take.

It is the same scene, but Bass is now wearing a different shirt and nursing a cup of coffee instead of a glass of scotch. Miles is now holding the nearly empty bottle.

 

 **Miles** : First. In the year twenty… twelve. Yup. Two zero one twosies. There was this thing called (he leans forward ominously) THE BLACKOUT.

 **Bass** : Totally your fault. (he giggles at Miles)

 **Miles** : Nuh uh

 **Bass** : Yuh huh

 **Miles** : ‘twas Ben’s fault. Him and Rachel and that Flynn character.

 **Bass** : I knew Flynn was shady as <bleep> first time I laid eyes on…

 **Miles** : Yeah. We’ll get back to the Flynn guy. But the blackout. It was where electricity just stopped.

 **Bass** : poof

 **Miles** : (points at Bass like he’s totally got the idea now) The whole world fell into chaos. Governments crumbled and people started like killing each other and stealing people and raping stuff… wait those last two aren’t right…

 **Bass** : And the US Government was like “<bleep> you guys! We’re going to Cuba!” (a blur is placed over his obviously extended middle finger)

 **Miles** : Bad <bleep> was happening all around with no one to stop it. And then these two guys, Miles Matheson and Sebastian Monroe…

 **Bass** : Why don’t you just say “you and me”?

 **Miles** : ‘Cause that’s not how this works.

 **Bass** : but it sounds like you’re talking about us in third person.

 **Miles** : I am

 **Bass** : But it really makes you sound like a douche.

 **Miles** : Fine. Me and this <bleep>ing bag of donkey <bleep> over here were like “No. We’ve had enough.”

 **Bass** : And then you shot those guys.

 **Miles** : ‘cause they were bad.

 **Bass** : And we were good. (he takes Miles’s bottle and pours some into his coffee)

 **Miles** : Yup. We became the good guys. We started a militia

 **Bass** : The Monroe Militia… that’s right ladies... this guy… right here (he sways a little bit in his chair and points his thumbs at himself)

 **Miles** : and started our own government

 **Bass** : Boom! President… right here!

 **Miles** : We fought off other militias and war clans and rapey guys

 **Bass** : There was like a lot of rape… like seriously… but not by us… we were the good guys

 **Miles** : And for a while it was good.

 **Bass** : But then I got this idea. Hey. Why the < bleep> don’t we just turn the power back on. Then I’d have tanks and missiles and helicopters, and it would be like <bleep> you Georgia! <bleep> you Texas! <bleep> you Governor Affleck!

 **Miles** : And that sounded pretty good at the time, so I went to try to find my family. That’s the Ben and the Rachel I said stuff about earlier. Since my brother. Ben. He called us right before the blackout to warn us. We figured if he knew why the lights went off, then he should know how to turn them back on.

 **Bass** : and he totally did

 **Miles** : But they didn’t want to come back to Philadelphia with me. Philadelphia was our capital. I don’t know why.

 **Bass** : Because DC was a <bleep>hole.

 **Miles** : No <bleep> for brains. I mean why Ben and his family didn’t want to come with me.

 **Bass** : Uh that was because you killed people. A lot. Especially that one time. What was it everyone started calling you?

 **Miles** : (reluctantly) the Butcher of Baltimore

 **Bass** : That’s it. Butcher of Baltimore.

 **Miles** : Whatever. So maybe I said some stuff that wasn’t really that nice, and I convinced Rachel to come back with me.

 **Bass** : Dude. You threatened to like kill her kids and <bleep>. Convinced probably’s not the right term.

 **Miles** : (turns and punches Bass right in the nuts)

(camera cuts to black)

 

The director’s clapboard signals another take. It’s still the same scene but the boys are both back to whiskey and their chairs are on opposite sides of the room from each other.

 

 **Bass** : <bleep> pretty much went downhill from there.

 **Miles** : He was killing people left and right, women, kids, puppies… whatever. I knew somebody had to stop him.

 **Bass** : So one night I wake up to this <bleep>sucker holding a gun on me.

 **Miles** : But I couldn’t do it. We’d been friends our whole lives. Like best friends. (he looks a little misty eyed)

 **Bass** : brothers

 **Miles** : (nods) I couldn’t do it. I… I love you, man. (he stands and looks at Bass)

 **Bass** : (stands and walks over to Miles and hugs him) I love you too, man.

(both men are crying)

 

 

The director’s clapboard signals yet another take.

The chairs are back together in the center of the room and the boys are still drinking

 

 **Miles** : So I fled the Republic and hid in Chicago

 **Bass** : And I maybe went a little crazy and maybe tried to kill you a little. (off a look from Miles) Maybe a lot.

 **Miles** : And then one of his goons that was looking for me and my brother accidentally killed my brother and kidnapped my nephew.

 **Bass** : Seriously. Did Tom Neville like ever do anything right? Ever?

 **Miles** : (shakes his head) So my niece comes to Chicago and tells me this and suddenly it’s all woo hoo family roadtrip to Philadelphia to rescue Danny.

 **Bass** : Who’s Danny again?

 **Miles** : Cute kid, blonde hair, one of your helicopters shot him to death as we fled Philly (he glares at Bass)

 **Bass** : Oh right. Because I got Rachel to use the magical pendant doohickeys to make the power work again for me before you guys left.

 **Miles** : So then Rachel was like really <bleep>ing mad at you and went to the Tower to turn the power back on for everybody so they could kick your <bleep>.

 **Bass** : And in the meantime you and some rebels teamed up with Georgia, and we fought a lot.

 **Miles** : And you went like really crazy. Like doing shit that made absolutely no sense kind of crazy.

 **Bass** : Yeah. It works best if we just gloss over that time period.

 **Miles** : Like that time back in our home town?

 **Bass** : Exactly. Let’s just pretend it never happened.

 **Miles** : I’m good with that.

 **Bass** : So then we all end up at the Tower and there’s this showdown

 **Miles** : There were crazy Tower people with like Star Wars guns trying to stop everyone from turning the power back on and Rachel and everybody trying to turn it on to kill you and you trying to turn it on to kill us and then Tom took over your men and even they were trying to kill you.

 **Bass** : Don’t remind me… <bleep>ing piece of <bleep> with his <bleep>ing “borderline erotic fixation”. I’l show him a <bleep>ing fixation

 **Miles** : You always say that. What the <bleep> are you talking about?

 **Bass** : (leans over and whispers into Miles’s ear)

 **Miles** : He thought we did what?

 **Bass** : What what in the butt (he giggles)

 **Miles** : But we never… we never did, did we? I mean there are a lot of nights from back then where I drank too much and don’t really remember things…

 **Bass** : No we didn’t. He just said that to be a douche.

 **Miles** : Douche

 **Bass** : So what happened in the Tower?

 **Miles** : Aaron turned on the power. Wait. Did I mention Aaron before? He’s this big guy. Good with computers. He goes on to light people on fire with his mind. But that’s not important yet. All you need to know is that Rachel and Aaron turn on the power.

 **Bass** : And then <bleep>hat Flynn is back

 **Miles** : And as soon as the power is back on he launches nukes at Atlanta and Philadelphia then kills himself.

 **Bass** : Goodbye <bleep>hat

 **Miles** : Then we tried everything, but we couldn’t stop the nukes. They destroyed Philadelphia.

 **Bass** : No more militia, no more capital, no more President Monroe, no more Monroe Republic

(both men sip from their glasses)

 **Director** : (from off stage) So what happened to President Monroe and General Matheson after the fall of the Republic?

 **Miles** : The Patriots, that’s who Flynn worked for, they came in and tried to take over.

 **Bass** : We teamed up again to kick all of their <bleep>s

 **Miles** : Then the Patriots caught him and blamed him for the nukes. They even executed him… or did they? (semi-maniacal laughter)

 **Bass** : Of course they didn’t you dumb <bleep>. I’m sitting right here. If they’d executed me…

(screen fades to black)

 

And this has been the story of the Monroe Republic.


End file.
